211 - Screensaver

Nervous pacing, scattered echoes and
a room slowly closing in,
constricting
and inhaling, exhaling, pushing and pushing in and down.

I cross the room, following the grout and observing the walls, wishing I just had a ball to bounce about, something freer, something loose, something with some room to breathe. A tangle of nerves and frustration in my gut, I try to fathom the idea of breaking out, pushing out, or building more padding, which one will make the noise and shifts just stop, stay still, everything is so cold and suffocating all at once.

"Hello?"
And suddenly there you are standing, unmoving, and holding
a...scarf?
And my head snaps up to the intrusion, your figure surrounded by walls usually empty and the room fills with my breathing, and it pulses, changing from off-white to eggshell, to bone then ghost, and you're still just standing there. here. How did

"Can I help?" you ask.

I continue to breathe, trying to catch my breath, but a fear overpowers me that you may tear the walls down and bring some sort of blinding bright light to pierce through the darkness, haul a torn wall, the bare stones at me, or worse walk towards me, touch me. Stay away what do you want who are you what do you want where did you come from who are you. You twitch a bit and seem to move forward so I back away, way back, stretching the space between us and you stop immediately.

"I can go," you offer, and turn to leave.

"No, wait," I say before I realize I am. I do. I do want you to go, but I don't want you to leave. Does that make sense? Go. but don't leave. Don't leave me. I observe the room again, make certain the windows are shut, the doors are locked, double-bolted, sealed with liquid nitrogen, taped and plied together. You shift uncomfortably and I look back at you, take a further step away. "How did you get in?"

You lift a hand out from the folded scarf and let a small key jingle out from a gold rope. "You gave me a key," you say so innocently, and clasp your fingers around it, like a child caught doing wrong. "Don't you remember?"

210 - Trusting

I will never want to do this.
To ruin a trust so much that
I am disappointed in you
that I don't want to share
anything
with you.

I already know
you will misinterpret
be jealous
be paranoid
be angry.

for no reason
for no reason whatsoever.

219 - Trade

Dear You


I don't love you as much as I should.
Nowhere near.
I think I tell myself that
I must
like you
otherwise I wouldn't have spent this much time on you.

Maybe that's just something I like to think
to avoid realizing I've wasted so much time on you.

I can't acknowledge waste.
I can't be this much of a sellout.

218 - Back

Once upon a time

somebody kissed me

and my life started.

and

I remember this one time
half asleep dozing fading wheezing loving dreaming
the smallest finger on my arm and
the softest whisper
the further 'I love you', followed by my full name.
the absolute furthest declaration I'd ever heard
like you were reaching forwards in time
dragging me back to this moment
          don't forget me
                 don't forget this
                        I love the real you.


Somebody kissed me
and made me young.
and every kiss after
made me real.

218 - Insert Foot

It didn't cross my mind that maybe you don't have a father.
That maybe you don't talk about him
because he isn't around (anymore).

I'm very sorry.
I should have thought of that
I didn't.
I should have but I didn't.

I'm very sorry.




You'll make a great father someday, you know.

217 - Too Soon

This
is a mistake.

Maybe a big one, maybe a small one.
Maybe you'll smile and brush me off
maybe it's one you have to make
maybe it's one you think you have to make.

I don't think it is.
And I apologize
because what I think doesn't matter.
But I think
it's a mistake.

You won't grow.
With her.
You know that, right?
Whatever lessons you've learnt,
whatever sort of person you want to be,
you won't find it with her.

You won't grow with her, either.

216 - Giving

'What can I do 
to deserve you more?'

I try to answer this question
every morning
every day.

Square One
every morning.

I am luckier than I was last night.

215 - Giddy

Do you remember
that first night

breathless breathing
shaking fingers
a dance in me wanting to erupt

I told you I never wanted this feeling to end.
You replied, "Gosh, I know."




I still feel that way.

214 - Some Nights

There are few things in this world that I love more than your laughter.

sometimes it travels upwards
and diagonally
through my lungs before scattering around the aorta pipes
with butterfly wings fluttering incessantly as I try to think.

other times it fills my chest to its' heaviest, warmest foam expansion,
bubbling lightly over with traces and mint hints of pride
and a giddy grinning peace of my own.

213 - Crowds

More days than not,
I've relatively resolved to grow up to be one of those stern fathers from coal mines, who wake for work at 5am, and home at 5pm.
dinner on the table.
Don't speak to him unless you're asked a question, kids.
he doesn't hate you.
he's just
tired.

212 - Portable Homes

I had a dream about you the other day.

We ran into one another at a Broadway show. You were
so beautiful.
You were just
there
working a job on the 2 line, stationed there for the next few years.
I told you I'd message you

and then I did.

We met up for coffee,
and I finally, at long last, told you I've missed you. And you said it back.
And in some ways, it felt right. It felt like time.

211 - Smiling

I don't know how I've worked
- inside -
without you
all my life.

210 - Billboards

Yes

i am painfully aware that there are more days
than not
when I regret this decision.

But
things change, right?
Things always change.


I know they will.

I just
hate
waiting.

209 - Living Dreams

You
were supposed to come with me.

We
were supposed to go together.