240 - Hurdles

I finally forgot.
It took me years
but I finally forgot.

I wonder if you remembered I forgot.

Maybe that means I didn't forget at all.

239 - Anew

Well.

Here we go.

238 - Promise Me

If, for whatsoever reason, I were to
die
in some horrific, unseeable
accident.
or
not.
Just
before my 'time'

I want you to know.
That's okay.

Six Feet Under taught me to never take a day for granted.
So I wrote this.
Call it paranoid
call it dramatic
but it's here now
and I'm not.
I really have lived a very good, fortunate life.

I've loved.
and been loved in return.
and lost.
and lived.


and I don't regret much.
I don't regret much at all.


I didn't think and just did it.
and I think searching for Emily Fitch
was the best thing I could've ever done for myself.


so life live to the fullest, my friend.

I love you.
and I miss you.
and thank you for coming back to me.

237 - Series of Doors

I've forgotten what it was like - waiting.
And I remember the first night I realized I'd forgotten it
alone
dark
in a home-sized bed listening to a recording of a never-sent confession
equally late in the night
of loneliness and pangs of regret.

And I realized that
waiting isn't the important part
It's what you do when you finally have it.

So I say, friend,
take this time
to be ready to forget the important things.

236 - After Hours

This isn't it 
you know?
Yes. I know. Please stop reminding me.

None of this is real.

Some of it is.

But you aren't.

No. I'm not.

235 - Separate Rooms

You know one day,
it'll all stop hurting.

One day, some day,
this will all stop hurting.

You won't do this, anymore.
You'll see me.
You'll understand.

One day, you'll stop hurting me with your silence.

Someday.
Soon.

234 - Catching Tidal Waves

What I should have told you:

"You and me, we could've been happy.
We could have been simply,
easily,
extremely happy
for a few months.

But
There is no picket fence around us.
There never was.

And. You know. In a world where she doesn't exist,
in a world where I haven't found her,
I'd still be looking for her.

I'd still, always,
be waiting for her.
I have waited a long time for her.

I thought she was you.
That was my mistake."

233 - Firsts

Can I just say something before I lose my mind completely?
I've never stopped thinking about you. And I always wonder and wish
God
if you had just.. gotten to know me
if I had just not communicated with you solely through letters
(intense letters, sometimes not even given to you by me.)
if I had just spoken with you in a real - in a real way
eyes meeting eyes
smiles meeting smiles
if it could've been real
I could've known
and I could've just gotten over you, then.

But it feels like something's still unwritten,
and something's always going to be hanging there, in the air, for us, for me.
I know we're not right together,
I know we don't work. I know that.
But sometimes I don't know. You know?

I'm not suggesting we be friends.
I think that'd be weird, and uncomfortable,
and I don't want it,
and I wouldn't even know how to explain it.
But I just wish there was something that could just settle my mind, finally,
to know that this - us - I just want us to be over.
I know we are. I just want to feel it more often.

232 - Orange

also; I can't stop thinking about her.

231 - Fast and Loose

I wonder if you talk to your therapist about me.

If you talked to her that night about me, when I walked you there.
If you walked in, smiling, happier than you thought you could ever be.
If you thought, for some foolish reason, that something special was just beginning.

I miss us before you ruined it, to be honest.
You're silly.
I wish you could've just
not
done that.