233 - Firsts

Can I just say something before I lose my mind completely?
I've never stopped thinking about you. And I always wonder and wish
God
if you had just.. gotten to know me
if I had just not communicated with you solely through letters
(intense letters, sometimes not even given to you by me.)
if I had just spoken with you in a real - in a real way
eyes meeting eyes
smiles meeting smiles
if it could've been real
I could've known
and I could've just gotten over you, then.

But it feels like something's still unwritten,
and something's always going to be hanging there, in the air, for us, for me.
I know we're not right together,
I know we don't work. I know that.
But sometimes I don't know. You know?

I'm not suggesting we be friends.
I think that'd be weird, and uncomfortable,
and I don't want it,
and I wouldn't even know how to explain it.
But I just wish there was something that could just settle my mind, finally,
to know that this - us - I just want us to be over.
I know we are. I just want to feel it more often.