Sixty One

The hardest part is not to lose oneself.

In the swirls of emotions and witty references, it's easy to get caught up, swept up in the applause and approval, the compliments of apparent realism and extraordinary universal relatability of each and every selected word carefully placed in structures, sentences.

It is so easy to get lost.

One slip between fiction and nonfiction.
and if you're good, if you're that good, if you're too good, no one will notice.
Not even you.

It is so easy to lose yourself in a world made entirely of your creation, a world where you can change everything and anything you want. Everyone says what they should. And everyone feels what you want them to feel.

Sixty

With great power comes bad aim.
And there's no point to it. To any of it. What point can there be when I can't control it?
It's nice to have, maybe, and useful for selfish motives that admittedly occasionally arise. But calisse, man. What is the point to it?
What is the point of being so charming when it works on everyone but the ones that matter.

Fifty Nine

urgh christ shut up.

Just shut up sometimes, man.
Shut up about your family, and your faith, and your friends, and your blogging, and writing, and high school and university and art and history and politics.
Shut up with the mystery and the dramatic, half-veiled truths.
Shut up with the uppity I write better than you breathe.

And stop not talking and yet talking.
Talk or don't.
no wait.
no. stop.
just

Just shut up sometimes, man.

Fifty Eight

Sometimes I can't help but carry on the burden.


Because it's just so heavy sometimes. Life is just so unfairly hard on them sometimes. And I can't help but allow them to unload. It's what I'm here for anyway. It's what friends are for. I am here for you, I will be here tomorrow. Let me in. I will carry you when you are too weak to stand.

Sometimes it's guilt. Not all the time. But admittedly sometimes.
Because it's just so huge that the blame can't be placed on their shoulders. And I can't help but feel...kind of responsible. I should have seen it coming. I did see it coming, and I didn't try to prevent it.
It's selfish. I know.

Fifty Seven

Hi.
I haven't always been like this.

I used to be really positive. And I used to believe in society.
I used to have a lot of faith in humanity.
And I used to be...fearless. I used to be much less judgemental.

I used to have less respect for myself, though.

I used to be satisfied with what I had.
Used to be a lot less lonely. Or maybe just less aware of my loneliness.
I used to dance more and write less.
I used to believe in the power of love.
I used to let grudges go. I used to forgive and forget.
I used to not blame myself for everything.

Anyway.
just wanted to say I haven't always been like this.

Fifty Six

I think you need to start counting your blessings.
I'm a really good kid.

I don't wear rainbow buttons or wave a rainbow flag.
I don't march in the parade shouting about how I'm here.
I don't hit on girls in front of you.
I don't stay up all night doing who knows what with who knows who.
I don't continue when I see you're growing uncomfortable.


I don't tell grandma. and I want to.

I'm a REALLY GOOD KID.
You have NO IDEA what else is out there.

So shut up and read the stupid book.