Sometimes I really wish
my parents were okay with it
so I could ask them for romantic advice.
Not that love is the most important aspect of life, but seeing as I can't talk to them about writing, because they don't understand it, because they've never experienced the creative process, because they don't see words the way I do, read, watch, hear words the way I do, I think love should be something they can help with. Something they've done. and done well. clearly.
Isn't that what parents can do?
They're older, wiser, they've more experience, and they can know what to say, how to answer the questions I've still got, too embarassed to ask friends or peer groups.
'When do you know you're in love?'
'How am I supposed to know when she's different from the rest?'
'How do I know I'll never cheat, never have wandering eyes?'
or maybe simpler.
'It's our two year anniversary today; how does this shirt look?'
'Will you teach me how to lead a girl in slow dancing?'
or maybe not even a question at all.
'I had my first kiss tonight.'
'I think I'm falling in love'
'I've never felt this way before'
I feel like I need to speed up their coping process
so we don't miss out on sharing these moments together.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
One Hundred and Nine
I'm tired of always having to be 100% for people.
I'm not the best at mental math anymore
but I don't think that leaves much for me.
I'm not the best at mental math anymore
but I don't think that leaves much for me.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
One Hundred and Eight
In which I reduce people to notions
and lament 'could'ves' and 'almosts'.
When I think of 1, I think of juice.
Of immediate sweetness and boxes, and fitting into ideas, of portable feelings, and running low. And I think of concentrated attention, and real friends.
When I think of 2, I think of clowns.
I think of unfortunate parties, and jokes being on you. I think of awkward laughter and crying children. Of hiding behind legs and losing sleep. Of rocks. Of pearls.
When I think of 3, I think of glasses.
And things people hide behind. I think of seeing things that've always been there. I think about Harry Potter, and notes, and math class. I think about braces, and being shy, of unreturned smiles, of modesty and hallway glances.
I think of love. Because I still do, and always will.
I think about 'sorry' not being enough.
When I think of 4, I think of guitars.
Of rockstars and jocks, of Clapton and strings. I think of hipsters and short hair, of never caring what people think of you, and being alone with other people.
When I think of 5, I think of coffee.
I think of waking up to truths, of coffee dates, and Ani DiFranco. I think of groups of friends, and falling into place, of forcing feelings, and losing touch.
When I think of 6, I think of bowties.
Of being presentable, of trying too hard. I think of nervous throats and tight collars, never being able to be yoursel, of dressing words up and long distant disappointments.
When I think of 7, I think of bad friends.
When I think of 8, I think of Shakespeare.
I think of words, and a lack of them. Of dramatic, fast emotions. I think of awkward, poorly-delivered soliloquies. I think of premature deaths and easy clean-ups.
When I think of 9, I think of Axe.
I think of dressing up, and raving at clubs, of open shirts and hot sunglasses. I think of sunscreen, and blocking out what you don't want to hear. I think of text messages in the morning, and slow dancing.
When I think of 10, I think of books.
I think of character growth, I think of sitting under trees. I thin kof reading between lines, and exciting chapters, and epilogues. I think of Lord of the Rings, I think of white trees, I think of epilogues.
I think of love. Because I do.
When I think of 11, I think of fanfiction.
I think of replacements for the real thing, and internet connections. I think of conflicting opinions, I think of comments and sly smiles. I think of paths you don't need to travel down to know are bad ideas.
When I think of 12, I think of Beatles.
I think of Across the Universe, and strawberry picnics. I thin kof hometowns, and two very good friends. I think of holding hands, and not holding hands. I think of change.
When I think of 13, I think of anthropology.
I think of questions upon questions upon questions and then confusion. I think of saxophones and vodka. I think of grass and cue balls and questions and questions. And more confusion.
When I think of 14, I think of sundresses.
I think of fast dancing, and one-night affairs. I think of hot legs and lusting, and summer. I think of hospitals and winter. I think of wasting time.
When I think of 15, I think of fire.
I think of being burnt and not being able to keep up. I think of fast words and quickened dancing. I think of dodging kisses and spinning ballerinas.
When I think of 16, I think of vodka.
And beer and tequila and rum and wine. I think of parties and unashamed nudity. I think of great laughter and great theatre, I think of comfortable beds. I think of respecting and respectable friends.
When I think of 17, I think of darkness.
I think of loneliness and being misunderstood. I think of anime and wilting roses. I think of overdue hugs and melted chocolate. I think of unobtainable kisses.
When I think of 18, I think of opportunity.
I think of immediate smiles and easy conversation. I think of fierce loyalty and fast sparks. I think of commonalities and shared loneliness. I think of friendships staying they way they are; should be.
When I think of 19, I think of gender.
And bending it. I think of confusing pronouns and patient smiles. I think of exchanging smiles, of slight flirting, of hesitancy. I think of emails and statuses.
When I think of 20, I think of hair.
I think of short hair, and having things cut too early. I think of coffee being replaced with tea. I think of awkward first smiles, of facebook notes, of the promise of tomorrow.
When I think of 21, I think of arias.
I think of music and musicals, of onstage prescence, I think of distinct giggles and beautiful, burrowing, brown eyes. I think of hesitant goodbyes and feeling silly and unforced smiles.
and lament 'could'ves' and 'almosts'.
When I think of 1, I think of juice.
Of immediate sweetness and boxes, and fitting into ideas, of portable feelings, and running low. And I think of concentrated attention, and real friends.
When I think of 2, I think of clowns.
I think of unfortunate parties, and jokes being on you. I think of awkward laughter and crying children. Of hiding behind legs and losing sleep. Of rocks. Of pearls.
When I think of 3, I think of glasses.
And things people hide behind. I think of seeing things that've always been there. I think about Harry Potter, and notes, and math class. I think about braces, and being shy, of unreturned smiles, of modesty and hallway glances.
I think of love. Because I still do, and always will.
I think about 'sorry' not being enough.
When I think of 4, I think of guitars.
Of rockstars and jocks, of Clapton and strings. I think of hipsters and short hair, of never caring what people think of you, and being alone with other people.
When I think of 5, I think of coffee.
I think of waking up to truths, of coffee dates, and Ani DiFranco. I think of groups of friends, and falling into place, of forcing feelings, and losing touch.
When I think of 6, I think of bowties.
Of being presentable, of trying too hard. I think of nervous throats and tight collars, never being able to be yoursel, of dressing words up and long distant disappointments.
When I think of 7, I think of bad friends.
When I think of 8, I think of Shakespeare.
I think of words, and a lack of them. Of dramatic, fast emotions. I think of awkward, poorly-delivered soliloquies. I think of premature deaths and easy clean-ups.
When I think of 9, I think of Axe.
I think of dressing up, and raving at clubs, of open shirts and hot sunglasses. I think of sunscreen, and blocking out what you don't want to hear. I think of text messages in the morning, and slow dancing.
When I think of 10, I think of books.
I think of character growth, I think of sitting under trees. I thin kof reading between lines, and exciting chapters, and epilogues. I think of Lord of the Rings, I think of white trees, I think of epilogues.
I think of love. Because I do.
When I think of 11, I think of fanfiction.
I think of replacements for the real thing, and internet connections. I think of conflicting opinions, I think of comments and sly smiles. I think of paths you don't need to travel down to know are bad ideas.
When I think of 12, I think of Beatles.
I think of Across the Universe, and strawberry picnics. I thin kof hometowns, and two very good friends. I think of holding hands, and not holding hands. I think of change.
When I think of 13, I think of anthropology.
I think of questions upon questions upon questions and then confusion. I think of saxophones and vodka. I think of grass and cue balls and questions and questions. And more confusion.
When I think of 14, I think of sundresses.
I think of fast dancing, and one-night affairs. I think of hot legs and lusting, and summer. I think of hospitals and winter. I think of wasting time.
When I think of 15, I think of fire.
I think of being burnt and not being able to keep up. I think of fast words and quickened dancing. I think of dodging kisses and spinning ballerinas.
When I think of 16, I think of vodka.
And beer and tequila and rum and wine. I think of parties and unashamed nudity. I think of great laughter and great theatre, I think of comfortable beds. I think of respecting and respectable friends.
When I think of 17, I think of darkness.
I think of loneliness and being misunderstood. I think of anime and wilting roses. I think of overdue hugs and melted chocolate. I think of unobtainable kisses.
When I think of 18, I think of opportunity.
I think of immediate smiles and easy conversation. I think of fierce loyalty and fast sparks. I think of commonalities and shared loneliness. I think of friendships staying they way they are; should be.
When I think of 19, I think of gender.
And bending it. I think of confusing pronouns and patient smiles. I think of exchanging smiles, of slight flirting, of hesitancy. I think of emails and statuses.
When I think of 20, I think of hair.
I think of short hair, and having things cut too early. I think of coffee being replaced with tea. I think of awkward first smiles, of facebook notes, of the promise of tomorrow.
When I think of 21, I think of arias.
I think of music and musicals, of onstage prescence, I think of distinct giggles and beautiful, burrowing, brown eyes. I think of hesitant goodbyes and feeling silly and unforced smiles.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
One Hundred and Six
Every now and then
I am so terrified
so ice cold with horror and dread
that I might actually be the last Lau.
That I might actually
watch my parents
both my brothers
die.
I am so terrified
so ice cold with horror and dread
that I might actually be the last Lau.
That I might actually
watch my parents
both my brothers
die.
One Hundred and Five
Well yes.
I know it's dramatic
and I shouldn't
but somtimes I do think
I'm probably not really supposed to have anyone.
Maybe it's important that I don't.
for some
unforseeable reason.
I know it's dramatic
and I shouldn't
but somtimes I do think
I'm probably not really supposed to have anyone.
Maybe it's important that I don't.
for some
unforseeable reason.
Monday, July 11, 2011
One Hundred and Four
Dyou want to hear a secret?
About us?
I broke your heart
broke your trust
because I knew somewhere down the road
you'd eventually break mine.
And I thought you'd take losing me better
than I'd take losing you.
Maybe it was still selfish in a roundabout way.
I still regret it. Not all the time. But sometimes.
About us?
I broke your heart
broke your trust
because I knew somewhere down the road
you'd eventually break mine.
And I thought you'd take losing me better
than I'd take losing you.
Maybe it was still selfish in a roundabout way.
I still regret it. Not all the time. But sometimes.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
One Hundred and Three
Sometimes I feel like
I've learnt more about parenting
and family
from everything that should've just been entertainment.
I've learnt more about parenting
and family
from everything that should've just been entertainment.
One Hundred and Two
I'm getting rid of you tonight.
A new friend and I decided you're no good to me. A poison. This uh
this very bad, bad energy in my life that I don't need.
I really don't.
And so tonight, I'm getting rid of you.
Every object in my room, every text in my phone, every word written about you.
Everything.
I'm scrapping it all.
And it isn't easy. I want you to know that. That it isn't easy. Because I tend to be very genuine, very sentimental, very creative and honest, when I...I was great, when I was with you. I really was. But things change. People change. And I can't keep doing this to myself. Beating myself up over this. I can't keep blaming myself for being weak.
You happened. Things happen. We move on.
I'm moving on. Not because I need to, but because I want to.
I'm getting rid of you tonight.
A new friend and I decided you're no good to me. A poison. This uh
this very bad, bad energy in my life that I don't need.
I really don't.
And so tonight, I'm getting rid of you.
Every object in my room, every text in my phone, every word written about you.
Everything.
I'm scrapping it all.
And it isn't easy. I want you to know that. That it isn't easy. Because I tend to be very genuine, very sentimental, very creative and honest, when I...I was great, when I was with you. I really was. But things change. People change. And I can't keep doing this to myself. Beating myself up over this. I can't keep blaming myself for being weak.
You happened. Things happen. We move on.
I'm moving on. Not because I need to, but because I want to.
I'm getting rid of you tonight.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
One Hundred and One
My Dear Elder,
I have known you for my entire life, and we have most probably despised one another for a little under twenty years of it. When I was a child, I distinctly remember jumping into all arms but yours, grudgingly accepting the reality of our familial connection, offering you a polite greeting with nothing in return. But that was then, and though yes, as you continue to remind me, I am still young, I have grown. I have grown and well
I wanted to say I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry that things haven't worked out. I've resented you, for so long, hated your table manners, cringed at the mention of your name, ignored your rants entirely sometimes.
But I want to apologize, on behalf of life,
on behalf of the way things are.
I'm very sorry.
This isn't what you wanted. This life shouldn't be the way it is. You never wanted to be alone. You never wanted this. But it's what you have. And I'm very sorry.
I just...I don't know.
I don't think anyone deserves loneliness.
I am sorry your house is not a home
and your bed is not half as warm as it could be.
I have known you for my entire life, and we have most probably despised one another for a little under twenty years of it. When I was a child, I distinctly remember jumping into all arms but yours, grudgingly accepting the reality of our familial connection, offering you a polite greeting with nothing in return. But that was then, and though yes, as you continue to remind me, I am still young, I have grown. I have grown and well
I wanted to say I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry that things haven't worked out. I've resented you, for so long, hated your table manners, cringed at the mention of your name, ignored your rants entirely sometimes.
But I want to apologize, on behalf of life,
on behalf of the way things are.
I'm very sorry.
This isn't what you wanted. This life shouldn't be the way it is. You never wanted to be alone. You never wanted this. But it's what you have. And I'm very sorry.
I just...I don't know.
I don't think anyone deserves loneliness.
I am sorry your house is not a home
and your bed is not half as warm as it could be.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
One Hundred
Thank you for asking.
My ego is my biggest flaw.
My romanticism my favourite asset.
But chivalry will be my downfall.
and I don't know why.
Do I not believe I deserve happiness too?
I wish I didn't take half the things life deals me, throws my way.
When do I start taking, and getting, and having, what I want?
My ego is my biggest flaw.
My romanticism my favourite asset.
But chivalry will be my downfall.
and I don't know why.
Do I not believe I deserve happiness too?
I wish I didn't take half the things life deals me, throws my way.
When do I start taking, and getting, and having, what I want?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Ninety Seventh
I hope I never reach the day when writing ceases to speak to me.
when not one frame in a film takes my breath away.
when the dialogue between two dynamic characters bore me to death.
when a storyline is predictable and takes that exact path I hope it doesn't.
when a familiar theme song doesn't make me smile.
when I fall out of love with Emily Fitch.
I hope it never comes.
when not one frame in a film takes my breath away.
when the dialogue between two dynamic characters bore me to death.
when a storyline is predictable and takes that exact path I hope it doesn't.
when a familiar theme song doesn't make me smile.
when I fall out of love with Emily Fitch.
I hope it never comes.
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