One Hundred and Ninety Eight

I remember

I used to worry about finding someone
who'd ruin me.

Ruin my path. Throw me off.
be
illogical.
be
stupid.
Give up writing. Give up fame.fortune.connections.
the crowds.the parties.the people.

I used to worry about finding someone, because I did. I did find people. I did find a slew and more of people who made me want to sit down at long last, to put myself first, to consider a life in kitchens and bedrooms, instead of meetings and writing labs.
I worried, because instead of flirting, instead of smiling at those cute bartenders, instead of buying a beer for the costumer, instead of winking at the stage manager, instead of lingering a hand on a friend whose own gaze lingers on mine, dull restrictive predictable monogamy would've been enough. I found these people who gave me the possibility of a new life, a light blue life of new-ness, of family, of trust and dependency.
I used to worry that work could be substituted with love.
I used to worry that morality could be substituted with love.
I used to worry that life, my life, could be enough, if I satisfied one person.
If I could impress you, I didn't need anyone else.
If I could have you, I didn't need to do anything else.
I used to worry, because
that was horrible.
Relationships
feelings
are silly.unhealthy.
skewing.

and
now
I worry about
choosing things over you.
I think about choosing structure, and logicality. What does that even mean. I think about choosing schedules, and timelines. I worry about choosing 'right' paths, making 'right' decisions over you. I worry about balance. I worry about not putting you first, sometimes.

"Are you going to regret it?" she asked, and she looked at me like she already knew the answer. She looked at me like she was trying to tell me I already did, and would. She looked at me with the kindest of kind smiles and I felt
too old.
too old and foolish to have chosen success
over everything.

You are right.
For me.
For the future, you are everything that is logical.
Nothing makes sense unless you're there.
Nothing in this place we call 'future' looks, feels, right, unless you're there, too.

I've never felt this way before.