219 - Still Searching

It's strange, walking these streets, knowing you won't be around the corner. Strange, walking around the metros, knowing you won't be on the other side. I know you aren't gone for good, and I know you'll be back. But I miss you. I miss having you here. I miss knowing you're here.
And
And when I go


When I go, I won't be able to call you, will I?


I mean I will be
and
I've always been able to. I've just chosen not to. For so long.
I don't know.
I miss you.
I miss you. I have always missed you.
Is that okay? I don't know if I'm allowed to.
I just do. I can't not. I've never been able to not.

218 - Straight Through

I remember
my first kiss wasn't really a full-on 'kiss'.

I remember sitting on a bench, twiddling my fingers, and trying not to show how cold it was. Trying so hard not to comment on how frozen solid the bench beneath me was rendering probably even the fibers in my jeans to an uncomfortable state. I remember clamping my hands together, twiddling twiddling twiddling trying to keep warm. And gosh. Just the silliest of feelings in my stomach. Feeling so darn out of place, feeling so out of line. Like I've been wasting both our times. Like I'm just a fool, really, chasing after a dream that'll never work out. Like I've always been a fool, about this one, about you.

 and I remember you turned and rested your chin on my shoulder. And I felt it, though your body never moved from remaining just beside me, you rested your chin, then your forehead, lightly on my shoulder, and I heard you inhale, exhale, sigh, inhale. And I felt like such a fool. Like a selfish fool, who's taken so much of your time with my words. me and my words which will never speak louder than actions I will never have the courage to act out. I remember thinking this has truly been a waste of my time. In the saddest of senses. In the most disappointed of senses. in the loneliest. I remember wanting to turn to you and say

Nevermind.
I'm sorry. I've been so silly.
Of course you don't want me.
it's okay if you don't. it's okay that you don't.
I'm sorry you feel terrible about it.
Nevermind.
Can we just pretend like I never said anything?
Nevermind.

So tempted to say this to you,
with whatever foolish courage I had left in me
on such a destitute night of more failure from yours truly.

and then suddenly you lifted your head, so quickly,
and I felt your lips, slowly squeezing together on my cheek
so soft
so soft
so cold
so sweet; if I had tasted it would had been a Frozen Strawberry Tomorrow.
And you held your lips there, on me, for a moment,
like a seal of protection
like a promise and an apology all at once.
and then you parted your lips and retreated with the softest sigh.



oh
I remember I was so happy I could die.

217 - Making Plans

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Please make me keep you.
Even if a time comes that I think I don't need to.
Please keep me, then. Fight me.
Fight me, and keep me anyway.

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I want to save their light

I can't escape this now

unless you show me how

216 - Dreams

I got very lost in a possible future today on my way home.
Started thinking about making it huge with a hit musical, then another play that got high applause at the same time as the musical got invited onto Broadway. Suddenly an enormous fanbase, begging for more. A recreation of a Gilbert & Sullivan operetta, contemporary and bright, just a zippy and witty as its original. Headlines everywhere. Money flowing. Money and women and limousines and awards shows and women.

Quite the mind.

It's nice I still want that.
I'm glad it's back.

215 - Smell

I had a dream about you the other day.

In a distant and near future, I return to Montreal after having let you go, attached to a nameless meaningless fling, abruptly halting conversations to text, avoiding your gaze from across the table as we sit and chatter with friends. We smile, we chat, we pretend being around one another isn't as hard as it surprisingly is. When the party winds up, we seem to tire simultaneously, and your roommate gets tipsy.
We help her home. I help. I don't have to, but I do. I hold her up with a surprisingly strong arm, bring her into your place, and we tuck her into bed with water, remove her boots.
It's late.
You tell me to stay, and we both know you shouldn't, and we definitely know I shouldn't say yes. Which I do. Of course I do. It surprises neither of us.
For the third or fourth time ever, you set up the couch for me, and I approach you from behind, unknowing how to not be near you, wanting so badly to brush my lips against your shoulder, the bottom of your neck, up  up up to the whispers of hair beside your small ears. Breathe into you, breathe you in. Instead, you turn around and nearly collide noses with me, whisper a calm apology, a goodnight, and leave.

In the night I lay awake not even close to sleepy, wondering and knowing
feeling
knowing
knowing you aren't asleep either.

I gather courage I find in my coat pocket and get up, walk across the living room, and open your door. Your bedroom is dark, but I can see your figure getting up from your bed and looking at me as I stand in your doorway. We gaze at one another, and I can hear all the words you want to say, hoping you can hear all of mine. You open your covers with your left hand. I close the door, and we feel it's a mistake, but I don't care. I don't care, and I walk over to you, wrap around the bed and get into your bed on your left. And you lay down over my extended arm, and I pull you in so close, and you shift so close to my chest, your hand on me, and I feel your heartbeat in mine.

214 - Choices

-Do you think they know how hard that decision was for me?
-I don't know.
-Just answer me.
-No.
-'No'.
-No. They probably don't know how hard that was for you.
-No. They probably don't. And they probably don't care.
-You don't know that.
-They know the bottom line. And the bottom line is I didn't choose them.
-You can't please everyone. And I don't think you've hurt their feelings. It's just..business. It's all just business, you know?
-Business.
-Business.
-It's just that..it wasn't. For a second. For a second there, it wasn't business. It was real. It was passion. It was an exceptional adventure of an opportunity given to someone who goes on and on about grabbing everything life throws at you. And they chose me. They chose me. And I was ready. And for a moment, it wasn't Just Business. It was Real.
-I know.
-I wanted it. I still do.
-I know.

213 - Breathing In

There is nothing comparable to seeing you dozing in the early morning, wrapped in nothing but light linen, and knowing that the empty, frazzled spot of lukewarm bedsheets beside you is for me. Knowing that I'm the one meant to lay with you, the one you - even if you are half-asleep - the one you've been waiting for. The only one you want there.here.
here with you.

212 - Skipping Ahead

I remember this one time

in a secluded office upstairs from an imperative rehearsal I should've been attending, with a book of readings I was beyond too far behind on abandoned on the floor. I had turned the lights off, and I listened to your breathing slow. I held you, so close, and you let me, let her hands travel around me, and you touched my bare back with your finger tips and whispered in my ear that you loved me.
And everything slowed, all of a sudden.
I opened my eyes, seemingly useless in the pitch black room, but I opened them and saw everything. Saw the future. Saw uncertainty and certainty all at once. This can't last. The perfection of us and this moment can't last. And regardless of where I will be, who I will become, what I will do, I will always be able to look back on today
on this period of my life
and know that this was real.


You tightened your grip on me
asked if I was alright.
Yes.
Yes, I am okay.