218 - Straight Through

I remember
my first kiss wasn't really a full-on 'kiss'.

I remember sitting on a bench, twiddling my fingers, and trying not to show how cold it was. Trying so hard not to comment on how frozen solid the bench beneath me was rendering probably even the fibers in my jeans to an uncomfortable state. I remember clamping my hands together, twiddling twiddling twiddling trying to keep warm. And gosh. Just the silliest of feelings in my stomach. Feeling so darn out of place, feeling so out of line. Like I've been wasting both our times. Like I'm just a fool, really, chasing after a dream that'll never work out. Like I've always been a fool, about this one, about you.

 and I remember you turned and rested your chin on my shoulder. And I felt it, though your body never moved from remaining just beside me, you rested your chin, then your forehead, lightly on my shoulder, and I heard you inhale, exhale, sigh, inhale. And I felt like such a fool. Like a selfish fool, who's taken so much of your time with my words. me and my words which will never speak louder than actions I will never have the courage to act out. I remember thinking this has truly been a waste of my time. In the saddest of senses. In the most disappointed of senses. in the loneliest. I remember wanting to turn to you and say

Nevermind.
I'm sorry. I've been so silly.
Of course you don't want me.
it's okay if you don't. it's okay that you don't.
I'm sorry you feel terrible about it.
Nevermind.
Can we just pretend like I never said anything?
Nevermind.

So tempted to say this to you,
with whatever foolish courage I had left in me
on such a destitute night of more failure from yours truly.

and then suddenly you lifted your head, so quickly,
and I felt your lips, slowly squeezing together on my cheek
so soft
so soft
so cold
so sweet; if I had tasted it would had been a Frozen Strawberry Tomorrow.
And you held your lips there, on me, for a moment,
like a seal of protection
like a promise and an apology all at once.
and then you parted your lips and retreated with the softest sigh.



oh
I remember I was so happy I could die.