220 - Looking Across

I remember around this time last year
being in a large building at the top of the hill
5pm
6pm
7
Sitting across the sea of singers from you
watching a movie version of an operetta
spying your fingers tapping on your phone.
I remember pulling out my own and telling you to

Stop texting. Pay attention.

A cheeky message (I impressed even myself)
complete with a smooth look-away, when you turned around to smirk at me.
You replied with a smile you didn't think I see;

Stop looking at me ;)

Cheekier

Like I've finally met my match.

and I remember taking a leap into bluntness

keep trying, the voice in my head said

let's see how red she blushes

and I sent with all the rainbow bubbles in my tummy

Stop being so pretty.

and watched in fascination 

butterflies flying over butterflies

as your cell phone lit and buzzed and you clicked

and breathed and I felt it

across the room

something big 

hitting us both simultaneously

and you replied

oh

and I knew exactly what you meant.

219 - Looking Over

Listen.

She’s lovely

and silly and beautiful and everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I didn’t know I needed and we’re scary perfect together and I’m thinking too far in advance because I’m so in love with her yadda yadda yadda I know I know. I know she’s wonderful and I’m not going to leave her; I don’t want to.

But I want to know

why we didn’t work out.

Why?
Why, because I have gone through the years, in my head, and you must have known, because I knew, and we both knew, and there were times when there were people, people for me and people for you, and bad times, but there were good times. There were good times and we still didn’t happen. And I want to know why we didn’t make a move. Why didn’t this work out? Would we not have worked out? Did you know that? Maybe I did, too. But is that it? We just didn’t even try? Is that what happened? I think we could've been great. I think we could've been amazing. I would have taken care of you. I would have listened and loved and given, to you. I know this because I have loved and cared and respected you since the moment we met. And I know this is reciprocal. 

So what happened? I’m sorry. I want to know. I want to know because...

don’t you?

were we just a pipe dream?

218 - Growing 'Home'

I remember
December 1st

Unceremoniously celebrating 31 days of uncatastrophes.
Sitting outside an interior space station
our winter coats shed and
two dollar warm grilled cheese in brown napkins.
our kisses still tentative.

How far we've come
how many things have been said since then
how many caresses and looks
how many words, typed, written, said, whispered, yelled.
The sheer amount of things we've shared since
the things we knew we had to talk about
the days, nights, we had to face
days - weeks - of silence.
How far we've come.

and yet still
two giggling children clenching to toasted bread and
stealing glances
stealing kisses.