217 - Distracted

I thought about you today.
I haven't thought about you since I got here.

hi.
i miss you.

216 - Paper Magic

These two 100 hundred dollar bills will bring me to you.
That's all I need.

two bills.

two pieces of paper that,
when folded only once,
span no bigger than my hand.

this is the distance between us.

the distance of my heartbeat to yours.

three inches.

215 - Dotting the i's

Gorgeous. 

that is what you are. 

how you make me feel.

how life is, now.

I can't wait to watch you grow

let you see me change

share with you

make room for you

make time

hold you just as close as I always do.

214 - Circles

You're cruel.

You're so cruel and cowardly
and it feels like I'm so lucky to have missed your bullet
and yet you hit me right where you intended.

I think you just might be the only person in the world
who I know personally
who I actually absolutely despise.

I hate you.
I can't not.
Every bit of my body convulses with anger you when I hear your name
when I see it
when I say it.

You disgust me and I can't stop it
and it's so tiring
and I don't know how to fix it anymore.

I'm glad I'm leaving.
You're a headache I never should've had.

213 - Worked Up

If you had five minutes to ask them all
what they either knew or thought about me,
this is probably what they would say:

1. "She can be cruel. She can tell a mean joke or make you feel inferior for no reason. She can be confusing and sweet, and supportive. She can be there when no one else is, for you, and help you in ways you didn't know you needed. But she can be cruel, too."

2. "She can be intense. She can overwhelm you into silence with honesty when you least expect it. She will write you. She will write you all the time, she will write you letters and emails and poems and notes, and she will be very un-ceremonial when she gives them to you. She can hide things from you. She can bottle up. She is sweet and sad. Sometimes very sad, sometimes very sweet."

3. "She is honest. She is romantic. She is loyal and giving and self-sacrificing. She is a martyr and she can't help it. She can bottle things up but she'll think it's for your own good. She wants a lot from herself, and a lot from you. She's waited a long time for you."

4. "She can be distant. She can be grand and public and pandering to the public. She can disappear, with the best intentions. She can want you to want her just to feel wanted. She can flirt with others just to prove to herself that she still can. She can be loving, and sweet, and considerate. She can make you believe in love."

5. "She can be dreamy. She can rope you into a world of ease and simplicity. She can be dutiful and doting and give you things you don't realize you need. She can be patient beyond belief and respectful past words. She can turn on her words at the drop of a dime. She can be transparent in her coldness."

212 - Keeping Close

Dyou remember
 - four months before we really did discuss it -
I asked you what we were doing this summer
next year.
I asked you what was going to happen
where this was going.

and you responded with the kindest smile
told me to stop living so far into the future
told me that plan isn't something we have to think about yet
told me - i mean honestly - it hasn't even been a month.


I'm not sorry.

When I have somebody like you,
the only things I should think about
are how to care for you
how to keep you.

211 - Plotting

I mean this most earnestly
I mean it because I've thought about it.

I want
a roommate
just like you.
Maybe even you Eh that's hard to tell.

I want someone to say hello every time I step in, ask me how my day was, then tell me about theirs. I want someone who can have a spontaneous dance party if they're not too busy. Someone who closes their door when they need to, someone who listens to musical theatre, someone to read bits of dialogue. I want someone who'll understand everyone I talk about when I come back from a lecture. Someone who'll ask me to have dinner with them once in a while. Someone to laugh with, and share common areas with alone, and someone who'll stay home, someone who'll go out, someone intense and kind and loyal.

I hope I meet someone there like you.
I'd like to live with them.

211 - Some nights

-Where are you?
-I'm right here.
-I can't feel you.
-I love you.
-I still can't feel you.
-I'll be with you soon.
-It's not enough.I miss you. I miss you.
-I know.
-I love you. come back to me. please?

210 - Annoyed Bite

I was so unhappy
when you were in my life

God, the things I did, the rules I broke, the things I told you, the things you told me, the way you touched me, looked at me, treated me.
Why did I lose my mind? Where did my morals go? Why did I want you so badly? And each night you cried, I prayed with every shake of my phone that it'd be you, finally wanting me for good. No more dilly-dallying. But that night never came, and yet I waited. Waited because you led me to believe it would, and soon. I waited around for you. Why did I do that?
You teased me. Over the littlest things. The bigger.
You guilted me and tempted me. Why did I let that happen? Was I truly so lonely? Was I really so desperate? So tired of waiting? So tired of looking.

I was very tired of waiting and looking


How could I not see it wasn't you, for me?
Why didn't you ever deny it?

I'm so angry with you. It's so hard not to be. It's hard to be. It's been over a year and I want things to feel better, inside, I want to not hate this, hate you, but I'm still just so angry with you. If you wanted me to be the one, you should've just done it, you coward. You're terrified. You're weak.and manipulative.
And I'm so glad I don't want you anymore
ever again.